Sharp Edges in Social Spaces

This post breaks down how different people approach tech social events, what they're actually looking for, and how to recognize when you're getting pulled into someone else's game. Whether you're tired of watching others leverage these spaces more effectively than you, or you simply want to understand the social dynamics at play, this framework will help you see what's really happening at your next tech gathering.

Table of Contents

When tech parties aren't just parties

I had this realization recently: tech-industry social events have this fascinating hidden layer. On the surface, everyone's having fun, eating snacks, and chatting about their latest projects. But underneath, there's often something else happening - people are actively hunting for value.

This isn't necessarily bad! But once I noticed this pattern, I couldn't stop seeing it. While some folks are genuinely just there to socialize, others are constantly evaluating everyone they meet for potential usefulness. They might be looking for:

The interesting part isn't figuring out exactly what they want. What's interesting is recognizing that some people at these events are actively hunting while others are just socializing. And if you want to engage with the hunters effectively, you need to prepare way before you walk into the room.

A different way to think

Here's what took me years to figure out: the people who are hunting aren't having the same conversation you are. When you're just there to socialize and meet interesting people, you might share real struggles or genuine enthusiasm. But the hunters are operating differently - they're systematically evaluating everyone they meet.

This means that treating every conversation like a friendly chat can backfire. Not because people are malicious, but because they're operating with different goals. They're not there for mutual social grooming - they're there to find specific things they need.

Let's get some buckets

Here's a practical way to think about this: imagine you have four buckets in front of you. Three of them are small, and one is huge. The huge bucket is where most people go - it's for pleasant, surface-level conversations that don't need to go deeper. But those three small buckets? They're for people who are clearly hunting, and they hunt in very specific ways:

  1. The Direct Communicators: These folks will find a way to tell you what they want. Sometimes it's subtle, sometimes it's direct, but they're trying to communicate something specific to you.
  2. The Puzzle Masters: They're filtering for people who think like them or can solve their puzzles. They want you to demonstrate something without being told what to demonstrate.
  3. The Opportunity Spotters: They know they want something, but they'll only recognize it when they see it. They're collecting experiences and examples until something clicks.

The key insight isn't mastering how to handle all three types. The key is realizing that you probably only need to care about one of these buckets - whichever matches how you naturally work.

Preparing for the hunt (before you even see a party invitation)

Start with your own clarity

Before you can effectively navigate tech gatherings, you need something most people never develop: a brutally clear understanding of what you're actually looking for. Think of how Nobel laureates and influential scientists maintain their personal list of fundamental problems - the key questions that matter most to them. Everything they encounter gets measured against this list.

This isn't about having broad interests or being "open to opportunities." It's about having a sharp, well-defined shape. Picture your professional self as a solid geometric form with clear boundaries - a convex hull that cleanly defines what you are and aren't. This is very different from how most people present themselves: as a fuzzy cloud of "I'm interested in this" and "I've been thinking about that" and "Oh yeah, I could see myself doing that too."

Here's a hard truth: you can't make good trades when you're in the mindset of "how can I help this person?" or "well, it won't cost me much to do this favor." These seemingly generous instincts actually muddy the waters. Instead, train yourself to think: "What exactly do I want?" and "What will it cost me to get it from this person?" Any trade that isn't clearly advancing your specific goals is likely a bad trade, no matter how easy or helpful it seems. Being "nice" or "helpful" without a clear return isn't good business - it's just fuzzy thinking dressed up as professional courtesy.

This might seem to conflict with the common wisdom that "the most successful people are the most helpful." But look closer at these helpful, successful people. They're not setting themselves on fire to keep others warm - they're skillful traders. When they help others, they create clear value and get clear value in return. Their reputation for helpfulness comes from making lots of successful trades where both parties win. The other party gets what they need (making them eager to trade again), and the successful person accumulates wins over time.

The key difference? They're deliberately helpful, not indiscriminately helpful. They're trading with purpose, not just being nice and hoping it somehow pays off later.

The trap of fuzzy conversations

Here's something that took me years to learn: when you meet people at tech events who seem similarly exploratory and fuzzy about their interests and goals, who share their uncertainties and dreams - they might be more strategic than spontaneous. They appear undefined because it gives them maximum surface area to find points of connection and influence. I kept getting caught off guard until I realized what was actually happening.

These seemingly authentic moments - the shared struggles with burnout, the dreams of starting a company, the frustrations with corporate politics - they're often more tactical than genuine. The person sharing might be:

What makes this especially tricky is the emotional asymmetry. They can stay detached because they know they're deploying a technique. But if you're not prepared, you'll engage genuinely because hey

They can maintain this fuzziness because it's a technique, not their real state. Meanwhile, you're actually fuzzy, actually uncertain, actually exploring. You're the only one being real in a conversation designed to map your usefulness.

This asymmetry is what makes these interactions so dangerous. When both people appear to be in a similar undefined state, sharing vulnerabilities and aspirations, at least one of them is almost certainly playing a game. And if you haven't done the work to know exactly what you want and what you offer, you're probably not the one playing it.

Instead of trying to navigate these waters in the moment, you want to know exactly what kind of trades you are willing to make. Make it small. Make it concrete. Make it something you can actually deliver without aspirational elements or emotional hooks.

The strongest position is to be boring about your inner state. Save your real dreams, struggles, and growth areas for people who have earned that level of trust. At parties and professional events, stick to your script.

The Framework



Hey - stop right there.



I mean it. Actually stop reading for a moment.



I know how we usually consume blog posts - skimming for interesting bits, maybe bookmarking "for later" (we both know that means never). This section needs something different from you. I want you to slow down and actually engage with what you're about to read.

Think back for a moment. Remember that time you spent 20 minutes talking to an engineering manager at a meetup? You listened intently to their scaling challenges, offered thoughtful suggestions about their architecture, tried to demonstrate your expertise... all building up to that moment where you finally asked about job opportunities or tried to connect on LinkedIn. Then they say those dreaded words: "Oh, we're not really hiring right now."

Suddenly it's awkward. They realize you were hoping for something specific. They start metaphorically looking through the couch cushions for something to offer you - maybe they know someone who's hiring? Maybe they could introduce you to...someone? You both know the conversation has shifted from what felt like organic technical discussion to an uncomfortable recognition that you were trying to make a trade, but didn't make that clear upfront.

Think about the last three "favors" you did for someone in tech. Were they really favors, or were they trades where you forgot to ask for your side of the deal?

Here's what I want you to do:

I'm not asking for intensive study here. I'm asking for honest reflection. There's a difference between having a genuine conversation and trying to build up social credit you can cash in later. Being unclear about which one you're doing usually leads to awkward moments for everyone involved.

Ready? Let's break down three ways people behave. And this time, let's actually think about what that means for you.

Making Space for Direct Requests

The key to recognizing these people isn't about their status, role, or even how they open conversations. It's about what happens when you give them space. They're like boats waiting for a favorable wind - give them the right conditions, and they'll sail straight to their point.

Here's the weird thing: it's all about letting their reality expand to fill the available space. Normal conversation rules tell us to maintain balance - if someone starts dominating the conversation or seems too focused on their own ideas, that's usually a red flag. But with these folks, that's exactly what you want to happen.

Think of it like those nature documentaries where they're trying to film shy animals. The best footage comes when the camera person finds a quiet spot and just... waits. That's what you're doing here. You're creating little pockets of social space where it feels okay for them to fully unfold their idea.

Sometimes it's as simple as physically moving to a quieter corner. Sometimes it's saying "Hey, I've got some time to really hear about this." The specific technique doesn't matter - what matters is that you're signaling that it's okay for their idea to take up all the oxygen in the room.

When it works, it's almost magical. You'll notice they stop doing the usual social ping-pong of "And what do you think about that?" or "But enough about me..." Instead, their idea starts expanding to fill every corner of the conversation. And that's exactly what you want - because now you're getting the real signal, not the socialized version.

The funny part is that these people often don't even realize they're waiting for permission to fully express their idea. They've just learned through experience to keep it contained until they're sure it's okay to let it out. Your job isn't to pull it out of them - it's just to make it clear that they don't need to keep holding back.

Following my own advice about being direct: I'm curious to hear your thoughts on these dynamics. If you work in downtown Palo Alto, join me for lunch at Mendocino Farms. Email me at karl.marx@peoplesgrocers.com.

Puzzle Masters: Stop Playing Pick Me

Here's the thing about these folks - they're not going to tell you what they want even if you give them all the space in the world. They also won't tell you if you straight-up ask them. But here's a secret: directly asking isn't actually as bad as you might think. At least you're not playing their worst-case scenario: being the person who doesn't even realize there's something to ask about.

The real problem isn't that they're running some genius-level filtering system. It's that if you're trying to figure out what they want, you're already playing the game wrong. You're in "pick me" mode, and guess what kind of deals you get when you're playing "pick me"? Exactly the kind you'd expect.

Let's say you're an engineer and they're picking your brain about tech stacks or market trends. Stop right there. That's valuable insight you're giving away. Instead of playing consultant-for-free, make them do some work: "Hey, sounds like you go to a lot of interesting events - take me to one this week." Because here's what most people don't realize: if they're on the business side and trying to start something, they're working every social angle they can find.

I knew this one guy - he was at a different tech event literally every day. Facebook groups, WhatsApp chats, Telegram channels - anywhere he could find people gathering. He was relentlessly working his way through the social graph looking for technical cofounders and business ideas. And you know what? That's fine! But if you're the technical talent he's mining for insights, make him work for it.

The key isn't decoding their subtle signals or passing their tests. It's recognizing when you're doing all the work in the interaction. Are you explaining things in depth while they just nod and probe? Are you trying to prove your value while they just collect data? Stop that. Make them put some skin in the game.

Remember: If they're running tests, they want something. And if they want something, you have leverage. Use it.

The Undefined Seekers: Avoiding The Black Hole

Let's talk about the most dangerous type of person you'll meet at tech events - not because they're malicious, but because they're undefined. They know they want something. They're absolutely certain they'll recognize it when they see it. They just haven't done the work to figure out what "it" is.

You can spot them by how they consume information. They'll ask about your tech stack, then immediately latch onto that one Firebase feature you mentioned, wondering if it could help them build some vague marketplace idea they've been thinking about. When you explain the trade-offs, they'll suddenly pivot to asking if you know anyone building AR apps, because maybe that's actually the future? Then they'll remember their friend is looking for a technical cofounder and wonder if you've ever thought about leaving your job to build something new? Each topic gets the same level of engaged interest. Each response from you triggers three new directions they want to explore.

It feels flattering at first. Here's someone who's genuinely interested in your thoughts! They ask good follow-up questions. They seem to really engage with your ideas. But watch closely - they're not building on anything you say. They're just collecting data points, adding them to their pile of unprocessed observations.

The trap isn't that they're insincere. The trap is that they're sincere but unanchored. Without a clear idea of what they want, they have no framework for valuing what you give them. You could hand them pure gold, and they'd add it to their collection of interesting rocks. Not because they're stupid or unappreciative, but because they haven't done the work to know what gold looks like to them.

Here's the test: try to get them to articulate what success would look like. Not in vague terms like "revolutionizing the industry" or "creating value," but in concrete, you'd-know-it-if-you-saw-it terms. They can't. Because they're still waiting for something to click into place and show them what they're looking for.

The only winning move with these folks is to hit them with your clearest, most compelling pitch once, and then move on. Don't get drawn into being their thought partner. Don't become their sounding board. Because without a clear destination in mind, they'll happily walk in circles with you forever.

Unless you have something so compelling it will literally reorganize their mental map - and be honest, you probably don't - save your energy. These people will have fascinating conversations with you for months and then suddenly pivot to crypto farming because someone else's pitch finally clicked for them.

Remember: Your insights aren't less valuable because they can't recognize the value. They're just not in a place to know what's valuable to them yet. Let them do that work on their own time.

Clarity

The most valuable thing you can bring to any social event is clarity about what you want and what you're willing to trade for it. When you walk into a room knowing exactly what you're looking for, you'll start seeing these patterns everywhere - and more importantly, you'll stop getting caught in other people's patterns.

Want to Test This Framework?

I'm always looking to refine these observations with fresh data points. If you're organizing a tech event or social gathering in the next few months, I'd love to attend and offer something specific in return: Invite me to your next event, and I'll bring what I call a "social hack in a box" - whether that's matching santa hats that get people talking, or a disposable Polaroid cameras & pinboard that .

Here's the deal:

Email me at karl.marx@peoplesgrocers.com with "Holiday Party" in the subject line and invite me your event.

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